To be honest, I don’t feel ‘free’ as I was. I’m stuck here, seems like there’s few broken steps on my ladder [somehow explaining that I’m frozen at this step, can’t move on]. I’m sinking away from my family, my cousin keeps bragging about that we won’t be friends because I’m kind of mean to him, I scream at him because I don’t like his way of acting ‘dumb’, asking like he doesn’t know it at all. So if he hates that part of me, unable to accept it, how much fairer is it that he is that way too? If he wants me to change, why won’t he change too? That’s the question now.
And I do think it’s coming, my greatest fear is great loss… loss of family, loss of family love, loss of friends, anything great. But loss of great value of money will never be one reason of the great loss I fear. I can feels somethings wrong. Everything ending up in wrong time and place, wrong air breeze, wrong weather, wrong everything!
Don’t quite understand it all, but I hate this path. I know I’ll be over it soon (or else there will never be an exit), and I feel like tearing apart.
My dad’s been a pessimist these last days, I can’t hear him say that he is proud of me anymore, and I’m sad about it. The thought of all of this is bringing me into unnecessary tears, but I can’t help myself. My moms always blaming me for my being, and I wonder if she loves me still. I know she does, but I can’t feel it. I know they both do, but again, I can’t feel it.
My friends are getting sarcastic about everything, they’re getting mean. This is not fair la, I’m fearing something I can’t quite explain.
I’m happy that my sister is still happy-go-lucky, always there for me to give me an advice, but a pack of friends, parents and a cousin that’s not going right? No thanks, I’ve had enough.
And being me angry, is the hardest thing ever. I live in a place, filled with people every hour, cleaning, eating, sleeping, watching TV, doing what they need to do, etc. And thinking about how I would explode and scream and throw every little object I see is like being mentally sick. But I want to, I want to release this heavy growing anger. It’s hard to keep it here. I can grab my hair and try to tear them off, but I fail every time. Punching walls are too painful, kicking won’t make it better. Screaming is failure, they would run to my room and quickly send me to the hospital thinking I, as said, would get mentally sick.
YES, maybe I have it, the money, the family, the friends, the life… BUT I’M NOT HAPPY!
